So you’re single and looking for Mr. Right. Perhaps you enjoy the freedom of this time of your life and date recreationally, keeping your options open until “the right guy” comes along. Or maybe you’re the type who feels like dating is his sealed fate, forever going out on dates with guy after guy, only to walk away from each experience disappointed and questioning whether you’ll ever find a compatible life partner. Whatever your situation, it’s important to remember that finding Mr. Right is only part of the equation to landing a successful relationship. The other part, which is actually more important, is to become Mr. Right yourself.
The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. What you put out there in your life will be mirrored back to you. This theory purports that, for example, if you exude confidence and positivity, this will draw like-minded people toward you like a magnet. Conversely, if you portray a demeanor of depression and pessimism, you will likely attract those with similar qualities – if even! So whether you’re happily single and just “going with the flow” or are frustrated by your lack of return on your dating efforts, the most important thing you can do for yourself at this phase of your development as a single person is to invest in yourself and become Mr. Right. You want to be at your best so that when your Mr. Right actually does enter your life, you’ll be ready and available for him and won’t potentially miss out on a golden opportunity.
Self-actualization, or striving to reach one’s full potential, is at the core of this evolution toward becoming Mr. Right and is a lifelong process for all of us as we grow, change, and learn valuable lessons through the challenges we face in our everyday lives. By taking the emphasis off of preoccupations with why it’s so difficult to find a decent man and ruminating about if you’re going to be single forever, you can channel these feelings and unproductive thoughts toward something meaningful that will actually impact your life in a positive way.
This is not to minimize the value and importance of having a special man in your life for companionship and intimacy – it is a basic human need to achieve a sense of belonging and connection.
But until that time comes, putting all the focus on something external to you that you may not have much control over only leads you toward feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that will sabotage your ultimate goals. You can’t will Mr. Right into your life. You only have control and responsibility over yourself and your choices and actions. Take advantage of this valuable phase of your life as a single gay man to get your life in order so you won’t have any distractions to keep you from snagging that special stud. Nothing would be more brutal than missing out on him because you weren’t emotionally available or even aware that he was right in front of your face.
Are you date-able? Would you date you? Who do you see staring back at you when you look at your reflection in the mirror? Are you proud of the man that you’ve become? If you hesitated on any of these questions, what does that say about you at this juncture of your life? If you don’t feel good about who you are and what you have to offer, you can’t expect others to see this as an asset either. For all you know, you may be unconsciously giving off vibes that reflect how negatively you feel about yourself or unfulfilled you are with your accomplishments and could actually be thwarting your dating efforts by causing men who might ordinarily be interested to distance. Do the work now to bring about more balance and wholeness to your life and identity before the right guy comes along so you’ll be even more appealing and ensure that you don’t lose out on him by not being ready or available.
It’s time to take a thorough inventory of your life and determine your strengths and weaknesses that both help and hinder your cause. You will want to capitalize on your personal assets and view your weak areas as “growth spots” to develop goals for self-improvement. And then do what you need to do to overcome any barriers or obstacles that interfere with your having a great quality-of-life.
Conduct an overview of all the different parts of your life and assess how you feel you’re doing in each of the following areas:
- Physical health and appearance
- Emotional well-being
- Relationships with family
- Friendships and support system
- Household environment and living arrangements
- Sex Life
- Comfort with being gay and level of ‘outness’
- Comfort with masculinity and gender identity
- Financial situation
- Access to resources
- Social and dating skills
You will also want to identify such additional things as “unfinished business” from the past, mental health issues, losses that have yet to be fully grieved, addictions of any kind (alcohol/drugs, gambling, sex, food, Internet, exercise, work, etc.), and any stressors in your life. These things can distract and prevent you from fully becoming engaged in your life and achieving true personal growth. A personality tinged with a “bad attitude”, a hardened demeanor, and a dampened spirit can also sour one’s success with life and love.
Another technique you can do to bring out more self-awareness of your strengths and “growth areas” is to make a list of all the qualities you are looking for in a life partner. Once you’ve completed this, go back over the list and compare the items you’ve identified against yourself. Are you the things on this list? If not, you’ve just identified some more goals to work toward in becoming Mr. Right.
Tips For Being All You Can Be
Once you created a list of the areas that you’d like to focus on, create specific, concrete, and measurable goals that you can then put into an action plan. This will give you a good structure to work from, as well as a good accountability measure.
Identify any blocks to success. For example, if you don’t possess some of the qualities that you ascribe to your ideal Mr. Right, why is that? What holds you back? Hire the services of a trained therapist or life coach who can help you more quickly overcome these hurdles.
Get out of your own way! Fear and negative self-talk are usually the two big culprits that stand in the way of our dreams and goals. Build the courage and resilience necessary to take safe and calculated risks that will steer you on the path toward your goals. Challenge the negative ‘whispers’ of your inner critic and replace them with more affirming self-statements that are in alignment with your vision.
A man with a strong sense of self, positive self-esteem, good social graces and manners, healthy assertiveness, and a solid value system, not to mention who has integrity, honesty, and who is passionate about life and lives it with meaning is very sexy indeed!
By taking the focus off your perceived lack of success in the dating world and putting it more squarely on building your own personal reserves, you will become more fulfilled in your life and this has a way of projecting a more positive ‘aura’, making you even more attractive inside and out. It’s all about attitude and taking proactive steps toward growing and becoming the type of man you can feel good about. Lots of benefits can come from this, including but not limited to a boyfriend. So make yourself absolutely fabulous..and remember, one ‘good catch’ deserves another!
Cheers to your success!
© 2007 Brian L Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, – please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com for more