The first flush of romance is over. For the last few days or weeks hes been everything you ever wanted. The sex is outstanding, his skin feels great, and the view when you close your eyes is of his face in close-up, in massive proximity, as it is when you kiss. Then one night youre lying there next to him. Its silent, post-coital. You liked this at first. Every need, each lack, all incompletion lay on the floor with the crumpled sheets, all emptied out. Now it just feels empty. Who is he, after all? Do you know him at all?
Its at this point people get scared and relationships break. You can feel you’ve been there, done that, that youre due for a Cabaret moment, the wave with the back of your hand while youre walking away, consigning your time with him to the level of wistful transition times, memories of him and the other guys who, in the end, turned out to be human, who let you project on them all you wanted until you got close. Not dream-close: really close. There is an alternative to going down that route.
If youre ready for mature, adult love, think of times like this as beginnings, not as ends. The first flush of romantic fantasy is indeed over. Youll still have your pop song moments, your second and third and fourth unexpected thrill when you look at him and catch him looking at you, but the grounding has changed; its developed. Hes taken you out of yourself, now youre back with yourself. Its time now for two individuals to meet: thats you and him.
In the silence between you, you might find your whole life becomes suddenly ripe for inspection. What are you looking for really? Where are you going with life? Is anything missing? Be honest about yourself. Theres no better time. The naked, sexual presence of another man, with all the bodys needs temporarily met, can give you an unsurpassed view of your own life.
What you looked for and saw in him, find it now in yourself. It will be there. The rich physicality you saw in him. The gentle streak. The emotional honesty. Whatever. Those potentials will always have been in you and hell have helped you to find them.
If you find what at first you saw only in him to exist in yourself you become independent. You’ve got what he has too. You don’t need him, not like that but, life-skills aside, he remains a different person. He has a life all of his own and you might find you want that life to share your life.
If you love like this you grow stronger. You can find a relationship based not on need and escapism but rather on friendship, love and equality.
Enjoy the silence, while it lasts, and come back to yourself. You know about his similarity: now discover his difference. There will be times when you absolutely connect, when you seem to join. If youre happy with yourself when youre lying there spent and silent, those points when you meet will be stronger and more richly overpowering than the fantasies youve previously known and escaped to. You will be stronger. Assuming hes right, make that what you want.