“Until the heterosexual threat has been reviewed” the first gay Mayor, Elijah Daniel, has banned the straights.
Elijah Daniel, a YouTube comedian with more than 1.3 million subscribers, yesterday became Mayor of Hell, Michigan, a thriving hotspot of 72 people.
“I love straights,” he explained on Twitter, “but my #1 priority is the safety of my town.
“Until the heterosexual threat has been reviewed we cannot allow them to enter.
“Yes, I am the first US Mayor to ban heterosexuality, but I hope my act of bravery will inspire fellow politicians to ban straights as well,” he added, assumedly with a hopeful gleam in his eye.
Daniel had searched high and low for somewhere to implement his controversial but much-needed agenda, scouring the nation for two days before landing in Hell.
His proclamation is a take on Donald Trump’s Muslim ban – except of course, that this is a genuine threat.
“We want to ensure that we are not admitting into our town the very heterosexual threats we are fighting against,” he wrote in the ban.
“The straights coming into our town, procreating, having more straight children to take our rightfully gay jobs.”
But Daniel did not mean to be cruel, and reached out a hand of friendship to straights, as long as they renounced their sinful ways – spiritually, financially and, of course, sexually.
“Any heterosexuals currently residing in Hell will instead be charged an $84,000 reproductive precautionary deposit, which will be returned after one year of abstinence from any heterosexual activities.
“We will also be offering a heterosexual reparative therapy program for heterosexual residents who would like to denounce their heterosexuality and become gay like the rest of the town.
Any heterosexuals who declined this generous offer would be “required wear a scarlet H and meet in the town centre at 5:30am wearing cargo shorts every morning to be publicly straight-shamed.”
He ended the letter with the inspiring statement: “Make Hell Great Again.”
However, he was quickly impeached, probably due to the #FakeNews media, with his ban seemingly chucked out with him.
As all good leaders do, Daniel reported the news on Twitter, writing: “Although I enjoyed my time as Mayor, I’ve been informed that I’ve been impeached”.
He reassured his fans though, adding: “This will not affect my presidential run.”
And he concluded with a message to his spiritual brother.
“Being impeached was fun @realDonaldTrump, you should try it.”
Before he was Mayor of Hell, Daniel wrote gay erotica about Trump, titled Trump Temptation: The Billionaire & The Bellboy.
One hilariously nauseating passage in the story read: “The door creaked open and there he was, handsome as ever, like a giant melting fat carrot with fake hair.”
Another horrendous sentence recalled how “my loins trembled as the scent of toupee adhesive and spray tan swept through my nasal cavity.”
Source: Pink News