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Questions most gay men simply don't want to hear

Stuff You Don't Want To Hear

By Graham Green

I must say, I do enjoy a good "bitching session" every now and then. Who doesn't?

Its about time to have a good old "bitching session" about annoying and personal things people ask us almost on a daily basis. How DO we PUT UP with it? Geez!!

Here's a few of the questions I get regularly...

1) What you into?
I’m sure you are all aware where this question comes from. When chatting to people on sites such as Grindr, Gaydar and Man2Man, it’s one of the first things people ask. Sometimes I am tempted to be a bitch and respond with “not you”, but usually it’s a blockable offence and I simply ignore them. On the odd occasion I have replied with things such as knitting, train spotting, pretending I’m Kate Bush whenever I hear “Wuthering Heights” (that one is actually true).... and the list goes on and on. I never answer in the way they want me to; with something sexual. I don’t rise to that. Usually one can tell what another is into by simply reading their profile. It’s not difficult, yet so many people struggle to do it. My Grindr profile clearly states that I am in a monogamous relationship so therefore I’m not interested in extra-curricular activities, but I regularly have men propositioning me and refusing to believe that I would be on a website like that without looking for sex.

2) Can you accom?
Ugh. Again, I’m sure we all know where this one comes from too. It’s one of the frustrating things about using gay websites. It can be useful for meeting new people and is especially good if you have no contact with other gay people in the real world, but it ain’t half annoying when someone asks if you can accommodate. It’s even more irritating when it clearly states on my profile that I am not looking for a hook up. I’ve been there, done that and could probably have won The Sun newspaper’s ‘Shagger of the Year’ award at one point, but those days are over.

3) How big are you?
I’m 5ft 10 and weigh about 135kg, so pretty big I guess. The 135kg admission would probably get me blocked by some shallow person and I’d be branded disgusting. In fact I was once told that I am huge and the only way I will lose weight is if I become bulimic. I’ll talk about that another time though. Of course they want to know how big your penis is. Does it really matter though? To a size queen maybe, but I couldn’t care less. Come on guys, it’s ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as the standard answer of ‘8 inches’. The gay ruler clearly provides different measurements to a normal one.

4) Do you know him? He’s gay too.
I cannot begin to explain how much that question infuriates me. I’m sure some people think that homosexuals are all in one big pink club and we all know each other. I live in Rosebank and was once asked if I knew someone in Potchefstroom just because he is gay too. I thought they were having a laugh but it was a genuine question. I actually said that I did know him and that I know most gay people in the country. The person believed me and I felt the urge to bang my head on a brick wall.

5) Are you gay?
Honey, just because I am standing here dressed as a fairy and sprinkling glitter over myself, what makes you think that I am a homosexual? Oh. Ok so there have been times when it may have been apparent that I am gay, but on the whole I wouldn’t say that I’m ‘obvious’. Maybe I should start going up to people and asking if they’re straight and when they say yes respond with “oh I’m fine with that, I know loads of straight people”.

6) Are you the man or the woman in your relationship?
What annoys me about this question is that it is quite clear that I am the man in the relationship as I am a man! My boyfriend is also a man. That’s what a gay relationship is; two men together, so asking which one is the woman is possibly the most stupid question somebody could ask. Variations of this question include ‘Are you the Arthur or the Martha?’ and the more direct ‘Are you the top or bottom?’, because let’s face it, by asking if you’re the man or the woman is someone’s way of determining whether you give or take it up the arse.

7) When you get married will you be the bride or the groom?
Following on from the previous question, this is a similar one. Again it is possibly a case of someone trying to find out if you are top or bottom or maybe it’s someone’s idea of humour. There’s nothing funny about it though. If two men are getting married then clearly there’s not going to be a bride.

8) Does ‘it’ hurt?
If someone asks that question I will ask them what they mean by ‘it’, even though I know what they’re asking. There’s something satisfying about watching someone squirm as they try to think of a way of asking ‘does it hurt when you have anal?’ without putting it quite like that. If people want to know whether it hurts or not, they should give it a go themselves. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The answer is yes though. But in a good way.

9) When did you know you were gay?
When it comes to straight people asking the question, I find there’s usually a variation on it. ‘When did you choose to be gay?’ has been asked a few times. Now that does bother me. I don’t believe being gay is a choice. We have a choice whether to embrace it and live as gay people, but sexuality is not something we choose. I want to respond with ‘when did you choose to be ignorant?’ This question provides a topic for a whole separate discussion.

10) Do you fancy him?
I have a revelation to make here… Gay men do not fancy every man they see! I know, shocking isn’t it? Even worse is when a straight man asks if I fancy them. It’s like, don’t flatter yourself, mate. Just because I happen to be gay it does not mean that I am attracted to you. I have a type (rugged, stubbly, hairy types) and the guys who usually ask if I fancy them are far too preened and immaculate for my liking. It’s a no from me.

I must admit I rather enjoyed getting that off my chest.
What am I into? Having a right good "bitching session" by the looks of it.

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