4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

A Guide for Gay men how to handle friends with benefits

Gay Friends With Benefits

By Graham Green

Due to many requests regarding this topic, I decided to post my little purple rule book concerning friends with benefits or Fuckbuddies. Its about what I've learned over the years and what I've experienced myself. I hope you find it helpful.

Graham Green's Purple Guide To Friends With Benefits:

1. Be HONEST about the relationship - to both HIM and YOURSELF
The biggest trap that guys fall into with their FwBs is that they do not clearly delineate the relationship... as a result, they either trick the boy or even themselves into eventually believing that the relationship is something "more."

A FwB is someone you have access to and enjoy shagging regularly. He is not your boyfriend. He is not your soulmate. He is not even really your friend. He is your FwB... your Fuckbuddy. Shag him... don't LOVE him.

Now, I'm not saying you can't fall in love with your FwB. Far from it. However, KNOW what you're getting yourself into. If you want this boy to be a BF, then he is NOT your FwB, he is your BOYFRIEND. But if you just want him for SEX, then fully EMBRACE the FwB situation.

2. Don't see him too often.
When I have a FwB, I generally like to see him about once or twice a week. Why you ask? Shouldn't I be shagging him nonstop, getting as much as possible?

Well, that's nice. But it's dangerous. If you want this boy to be your BOYFRIEND, then yes... hang out with him, spend lots of quality time with him, go on a date with him, sleep over every night, whatever. BUT, if he is your FwB, then you should be seeing him pretty much ONLY for sex. This goes back to being honest with yourself. The more OFTEN you see him, the FASTER he will develop FEELINGS for you... so that is the tradeoff: do you want a consistent once/twice-a-week lay for a longer period of time? Or are you so horny for this ONE boy that you will shag him and hang out with him and treat him like a true-blue BF, causing him to fall for you FAST?

* Don't sleep over. - I'm serious. Don't sleep over. It's okay to cuddle for a while, but DON'T sleep over. He is not your BF. The only exception is when he is dropping by from out of town and he has nowhere else to stay except your place.

3. Bring your A-game at ALL TIMES.
Don't "bond." - Once again, if you want him to be your BF, that is another matter. But if he is your true-blue FwB, you must ALWAYS be shagging on your A-game. Be FUN. Be PLAYFUL. Tease him, be cocky, CONSTANTLY ATTRACT HIM. The whole REASON he wants you as his FwB is for the SEX and the EXCITEMENT you bring. Don't disappoint. STAY SHARP.

4. Don't brag about other men.
So you are popular with the boys.... So what? Most probably, he can STILL pull just as much dick (if not more) than you can on the same night... BUT he's with you. He's seeing you just for sex, because you are THAT good. Show some respect.

Although he is not your BF, if you want this FwB arrangement to last, then you MUST maintain a relationship of equal respect and power. A FwB relationship INHERENTLY denotes an agreement between individuals of equal power and stature (well, until he develops feelings... in which case, you have much more power/influence) - you are trading sex for sex. Why compare cocks? Just enjoy yourself. Don't pull childish stunts or brag just for the hell of it. Just plain enjoy the sex.

If he brags or tries to make you jealous, just LAUGH IT OFF and SHAG HIM HARD. Don't brag back.

5. Shag him well. Period!
No excuses for this one. Like I said, you guys have a SEXUAL AGREEMENT. If he is not delivering, DITCH HIM. But inversely, you must ALSO deliver. If you suck at sex, GET BETTER. FwBs are there so you guys can go WILD. Experiment with new positions, play out fantasies, try some kinky shit - the POINT of the arrangement is SEX after all.

ALWAYS make sure he's satisfied, even if it means cutting back on your own needs a bit. PLAY with the relationship. DON'T get BORING and PREDICTABLE. Sometimes, when I'm with a FwB, I will be like "Hey... wanna do something cool for 5 min?" Then shag her for 5 min...... then pull out. Tease him. Have FUN.

6. The clock is TICKING!
It is the cardinal rule that if you keep shagging a man consistently over a long period of time, he WILL start to develop feelings for you. The only way he won't develop feelings for you is if he falls for some other guy. In the case of the latter, he will probably stop shagging you because he wants to be with this other guy (if he is BF material). In the case of the former, where he starts to fall for YOU.... well, you must make a decision: do you want him as a BF or not?

Understand that either way, your FwB relationship is pretty much OVER. If you reject his feelings, he will not want to shag you anymore, because he will feel you are a lost cause. It is very possible to drag a few more lays out of him, BUT this usually leads to mad drama and pain for everyone. If he falls in love with you and you DON'T want him as a BF, just tell him "Let's stay friends" and END it smoothly.

FwBs are not super long-term commitments at all. Due to the very nature of gay men, they are arrangements that CANNOT last over long long periods of time. So ENJOY yourself while you can and make sure HE doesn't regret the time he was your FwB.

So... Are you ready to land yourself a Friend With Benefits?:
The ultimate lesson from these guidelines can be applied to any situation, any man, any relationship: Be HONEST with yourself, KNOW what you want, and GO after it.

Men are not gods. They are not magical deities. They are human. They are fragile. They are wonderful. By all means, let them enjoy pleasure... but NOT AT YOUR EXPENSE. Sex should be a MUTUALLY-PLEASURABLE thing.

If what he wants is not what YOU want, then there is no need to proceed further. It will only lead to pain and drama. Just NEXT and move ON. DON'T compromise your desires because you "feel bad." That's not love. That's PITY or SYMPATHY.

Being a man means being confident enough to protect and appreciate the ones you care about. HOWEVER, it also means RESPECTING others enough and having WISDOM enough to WALK AWAY when you foresee a clash of desires/needs.

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