4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

Loneliness within a relationship

Loneliness within a relationship

The first flush of romance is over. For the last few days or weeks he’s been everything you ever wanted. The sex is outstanding, his skin feels great, and the view when you close your eyes is of his face in close-up, in massive proximity, as it is when you kiss. Then one night you’re lying there next to him. It’s silent, post-coital. You liked this at first. Every need, each lack, all incompletion lay on the floor with the crumpled sheets, all emptied out. Now it just feels empty. Who is he, after all? Do you know him at all?

It’s at this point people get scared and relationships break. You can feel you’'ve been there, done that, that you’re due for a Cabaret moment, the wave with the back of your hand while you’re walking away, consigning your time with him to the level of wistful transition times, memories – of him and the other guys who, in the end, turned out to be human, who let you project on them all you wanted until you got close. Not dream-close: really close. There is an alternative to going down that route.

If you’re ready for mature, adult love, think of times like this as beginnings, not as ends. The first flush of romantic fantasy is indeed over. You’ll still have your pop song moments, your second and third and fourth unexpected thrill when you look at him and catch him looking at you, but the grounding has changed; it’s developed. He’s taken you out of yourself, now you’re back with yourself. It’s time now for two individuals to meet: that’s you and him.

In the silence between you, you might find your whole life becomes suddenly ripe for inspection. What are you looking for really? Where are you going with life? Is anything missing? Be honest about yourself. There’s no better time. The naked, sexual presence of another man, with all the body’s needs temporarily met, can give you an unsurpassed view of your own life.

What you looked for – and saw – in him, find it now in yourself. It will be there. The rich physicality you saw in him. The gentle streak. The emotional honesty. Whatever. Those potentials will always have been in you and he’ll have helped you to find them.

If you find what at first you saw only in him to exist in yourself you become independent. You’'ve got what he has too. You don'’t need him, not like that – but, life-skills aside, he remains a different person. He has a life all of his own and you might find you want that life to share your life.

If you love like this you grow stronger. You can find a relationship based not on need and escapism but rather on friendship, love and equality.

Enjoy the silence, while it lasts, and come back to yourself. You know about his similarity: now discover his difference. There will be times when you absolutely connect, when you seem to join. If you’re happy with yourself when you’re lying there spent and silent, those points when you meet will be stronger and more richly overpowering than the fantasies you’ve previously known and escaped to. You will be stronger. Assuming he’s right, make that what you want.


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