4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

Safety first

Sex Him Safely

There are still people out there who'’ll try to push you into doing it bareback, i.e., without using a condom, and in the heat of the moment it’s easy to slip. If you’re in a one-on-one long term relationship, each of you is absolutely faithful, and you’'ve both been tested, then you might put the condoms aside. Otherwise, be prepared and have them ready.

They’re simple to use. Put a little lube on the head of your penis. Make sure it’s water-based – not oil, which will destroy the latex. Open the packet carefully. Don’t unravel it. Pinch the air out of the dimple. Roll it down and then lather the lube on the outside. Use the excess lube to rub on his cock and into his anus. And that’s about it. It isn'’t 100% safe – few things are – but it’s safer.

Why not use one? True, the sensation is different. It can feel cold and slippery. Help minimize this by warming the lube and the latex using your hands. Experiment to find the right amount of lube needed. Strong condoms will stand up to a degree of friction – although, if you’re having sex for a long time, you might need to use two.

People also worry about interrupting the flow of things to put on a condom. There’s no need. Practise, alone and with others, get good at it, confident doing it, get him to watch you and stroke your arms and chest and legs and keep whispering while you’re doing it – but, basically, get it done. (You might aim to be as comfortable putting on a condom as you would be fastening a seat belt to drive a car. It’s a safety measure. No more, no less. Once it’s done it’s there and you can get on with driving.)

Are other forms of sex risk-free? No, they'’re not. With kissing, you might have cuts in your mouth. Avoid brushing your teeth first. If you take his semen in your mouth it is possible this might be a means of transmission. It is perhaps wise to assume it is. But the risk is lesser. Once you'’re happy with the one clear rule, that you should always a condom for anal sex, you can decide about the other, smaller risks you’'re prepared to take.

Don'’t get paranoid but do be aware. Find the degree of risk with which you are comfortable, and don’t go past that line. You might reject out of hand the idea of using a condom to give a blow-job. Latex-wise, your mouth is a little more picky than your anus. However, flavoured condoms can make it better. It's certainly advisable not to let him to ejaculate in your mouth, let alone to swallow his semen.

There are alternative to swallowing his semen. Get him to come on your face or on your chest. That’s still sexy. It’s telling him: you want him. It is not absolutely safe – you might have little cuts in your skin – but it represents a minimal degree of risk with which you can be happy.

The existence of AIDS can be difficult to cope with. And it was additionally appalling because we had a lot to deal with already. When it was first discovered, it was terrifying. Now it isn’t. Now we have choice.

You can choose to live your life risk-free. That basically means not having sex. Few could do that. However, you can minimise your risk by practising safer sex.


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