4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

The pros and cons of nhaving the lights on or off

Lights on or off?

By Alex James

Do you want semi-darkness and mystery or the glaring light of day? It’s a shame you can’t really have both at once, since each has great advantages in the bedroom.

It may be you’re freshly acquainted. You know you like him and want to enjoy him, but there are a few nerves. That’s normal. You don’t know him that well yet and exposing your nakedness may make you feel uncertain. Sex is one of the ways you’ll be getting closer, and darkness will help allay your fears and, oddly, help you show more of yourself than you could with the lights on. You can forget about sight and give yourself over more fully to other senses – then in the morning you’ll be more ready to be with each other Adam and Eve style, or Adam and Adam, visibly naked.

It may be he’s a long term partner. If that’s the case, darkness – perhaps with the addition of a single, flickering candle – will be a way of regaining a sense of mystery, of exploring each other again in a fresh way. The added advantage is that you know each other’s bodies inside out already so there’ll be no fumbling.

Still, sometimes, you want the visual element fully retained. You want to see his body and show him yours. You’re in a real ‘eyes-mood’ and want to connect sex with the sense you most fully use, to act like you’re making a video – or even as a fingers-up to the drossier imagery with which one of life’s more tedious days can be apt to surround us.

Lights-on sex (though it’s better in natural light) can feel sharper – and more conducive to technical innovation. It’s a call to be confident and celebrate close-up skin. Each man can express this thought to the other: ‘You look great!’

Try both – and don’t be afraid to ask if you can vary what might be your normal routine, to do it in the dark this time, or, at the trailing edge of a late summer’s day, with the curtains open.

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