4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

We take a look at the ins and outs of casual sex for gay men

One Night Stands

By Alex James

Casual sex isn't anonymous sex - i.e. when you don't talk, don't know each other's name, don't particularly want to. Casual sex takes place between two people who talk, like, share histories and generally want to get to know each other, though not necessarily long term. Handled well, casual sex is fine.

It's often a need and behaviour of those just coming out and exploring their sexuality, though for other gay men it forms a (more or less) satisfying life-long practice. For others, as they mature, they start seeking more permanent partners.

How to do it? Relax. Enjoy. Use a condom. For however long it might be, this man is your partner. Treat him as such and all will be well.

Open up about yourself. Don't feel you have to project an image or closely guard any personal details (okay: within reason). Allow yourself to feel free to enjoy his company.

Have fun and experiment while you have sex - and don't think that when you've both come, that's it, it's over.

Use after-play. Continue to pleasure each other and talk. Listen to music, have sex again. Casual sex doesn't need to entail rushed, closeted encounters which you fiercely section off from all thought of 'genuine' pleasure.

Swap numbers - if you haven't already - and make plans to meet again. But don't worry when or if it gets to the point when you want to move on from this to another partner, be that next week or month or tomorrow, or have multiple partners running at once.

So long as you both know and accept the score, and no-one's lying, you can follow your own rules. Take care of each other's feelings - and do please try not to make any promises you know you really can't keep. Local scenes can be pretty small places, and you don't need the gossip and drama.

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