4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

We take a look at habits that ruin gay relationships

Habits That Ruin Relationships

By Alex James

We all know that a healthy relationship takes more than a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day or a sexy text message during late night work hours. Its also well known that sometimes the bad aspects of our personalities bleed into toxic habits that eventually affect our relationship in a bad way.

There is no rulebook on how to make a relationship last. We learn through trial and error, and without these important lessons we’d be dazed and confused about how relationships work.

Here are a few relationship breaking habits we all should get rid of now and forever:

  • Dropping hints to nudge him in the “right” direction or in other words, your direction. Leave the passive aggressiveness on the side please. Don’t try to keep what’s actually upsetting you in your head. You’re always going to end up finding small ways to piss him off, and believe me when I say it’s more transparent than you think. Clearly you’re uncomfortable with sharing how you truly feel and it’s time you ask yourself why. Talk about your feelings openly and make it clear that your man isn’t responsible necessarily. He’ll always meet you in the middle when it’s done in a non-offensive way.

  • Starting a fight then screaming, “I don’t want to talk about it!” Not only have you brought up something that was clearly bothering you, but now you’ve made it impossible for him to find any kind of solution. Don’t get him angry and then deny him an opportunity to show it, especially after you took it upon yourself to show yours in public. This is very brat-like and will eventually make him resent you. Trust me, fighting and arguing are two separate things and it’s transparent by the end of each round who in fact threw the first punch.

  • Blaming him for your personal emotions. Stop calling him insensitive or a “bad boyfriend” if he has plans to go out when all you want to do is vent to him about how shitty your day was. Just because you had a bad day doesn’t mean he needs to cancel the dinner party he had planned months ago. This is called selfishness, people. He isn’t responsible for how you feel so don’t take your day out on him. Take responsibility for your emotions and never let it be expected for him to be there for you 24/7. We all have bad days and sometimes we can’t always be there. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or an awful boyfriend. It means that he’s human and can’t be in two places at once.

  • Constantly comparing him to gay stereotypes takes away from the unique things he has to offer. In the gay community, we have many labels – twink, bear, jock, daddy, artist, activist, man child, party boy – to compare him to. It’s easy to fit our man inside a label of expectations, but the truth of the matter is it’s us who should see things differently. He can’t be anyone he’s not so instead of trying to see him a certain way, take him exactly for what he is: an original. Stop trying to “improve” him

  • Keeping score is an ongoing battle many relationships have, but the only thing it creates is a war of power. The last thing he wants to hear is how much of an asshole he was to you at your best friend’s Christmas party two years ago. Trust me, he gets it! You don’t want to him to remind you of the times you were an asshole to him, do you? There’s no need to justify your mistakes by bringing up his. It’s clearly an effort to try and deflect the issue off from yourself. Deal with the issues as they collect over time. If he’s consistently being an asshole, then it’s okay to bring that up rather than dredge up old Christmas party memories. Don’t make him feel guilty for something he did a long time ago. It’s better to fight over something that happened last week or last night so you can fix it right away instead of having them expand over months.

  • Blackmailing the relationship is never good because it makes your man feel threatened. Never say things like “I can’t date a man I can’t trust” or “It’s me or them” or “This isn’t what I signed up for.” It creates all kinds of unnecessary drama and it seldom gets you what you want. Giving ultimatums rock the boat rather than keep it sailing. It’s okay to get upset, but never resort to embarrassing him or attempt to train him like a dog by threatening the relationship as a whole over small things. Healthy communication is key.

  • Getting jealous over stupid things. It’s normal to get a bit green when someone touches your man or sends weird text messages that seem sexual in nature, but the last thing you want is to Facebook stalk or search through his text messages while he’s sleeping to find out the truth. There’s a difference between jealousy and protectiveness. If your actions are in an effort to protect the relationship as a whole from outside forces trying to break it a part, this is considered healthy jealousy. But if your emotions are bringing you to a state of wanting to control the things he does and says, clearly it’s entering new territory. The whole idea here is trust. If you don’t trust your partner, there’s going to be almost no room to be free.

  • Buying his commitment through meals, trips, clothes, and artificial objects. Trust me, the best way of saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you” isn’t necessarily through objects, but with actions, words, and solutions. Buying someone’s love sets a precedent within your relationship. It becomes the only way to solve an issue without becoming accountable for the problem that created the issue in the first place. Never become a human ATM, deal with the problem head-on instead of relying on objects to do it for you. At the end of the day you’ll find the connection much stronger than it was prior.

  • Giving the silent treatment is a silly thing to do because he’ll feel like he’s being punished. The last thing you want to do is to make him hate you, feel guilty and feel childish at the same time. Don’t discipline him like a child. You’re an adult now so it’s time to deal with problems by using words rather than games. Take the invisible duck tape off your face and talk it out.

  • Hating on his friends or family. It doesn’t matter if the parents are annoying or hard to handle, never view them as a threat to your relationship. It’s understandable to let the criticism of friends and family affect you, but always trust that your man sees it. If not, mention it and give him an opportunity to defend them rather than going straight for the “h” word. He chose his friends for a reason.


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