4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

How to make the best out of hookup action

Make Him Remember You

By Alex James

So you've met and liked what you saw. Now you are at his place (or yours) and getting ready for action.

Whether you're about to be top for the first time or you're already used to being the one in the saddle, it's worth taking time to think about how you can make it a thoroughly pleasurable experience for you and your partner!

Good sex for the gay guy is not rocket science, just the sort of thing the average primate can usually handle! However, in the heat of the moment, all you know about gay sex can suddenly abandon the evolutionary ship - leaving you, well, just stuffing it in, going at it any which way. And that's usually not the way to a good time!

Asked what makes for great gay sex, men's responses tend to vary according to the mood they're in, the bar they're in, what time it is, and who's asking. Initial answers range from "Me and you" and "I do" through to "About R100 per hour", "Viagra", "Location, location, location" - and no, we're not making this up - "A large penis or forget it" to "A nice, tight, virgin hole."

Ask twice and you'll almost invariably get some version of the following: "Feeling"; "The contact between you"; "Intimacy"; "Love" - and, to be fair on him, since he was quite good looking: "I still say you can't beat a nice, tight, virgin hole." (This last was testimony either to the honesty, bravery and sheer effrontery required in a sanitized, post-modern age to maintain a little good, old-fashioned depravity, or to the quality of the two-for-the-price-of-one happy hour Chicken Licken Burgers.)

Minority reports aside, gay men are, on the whole, unremittingly aware of the crucial foundation of great sex. This is presumably why, in its absence, artificial stimulants of one sort or another clog the gay scene. We're looking for love or, if that word seems too narrowly defined, for feeling, contact, the collapse of the space between us. And when that's not there, sex is little more than lower-body gymnastics combined with plumbing and proctology.

Rule number one, therefore, when giving good anal: Keep communicating feeling. Don't lose sight of the feeling between you. Express it through words, noise, touch, and the way you move. Don't get caught in that terribly western psychological trap whereby sex is viewed as being somehow cut off from your most intimate feelings.

Rule number two: Don't get mushy. No matter the relative tightness or otherwise of your partner's hole' (I mean, honestly), great gay sex requires partly a hard-edged, going-for-it attitude. Ever been fucked by the guy who seemed not to have a Y chromosome? Who kept pawing and stroking you? Showing you how special you were and how much he cared? All the way through? His (entirely hypothetical) climax measurable only in negative infinitesimals? As if he thought he were filming a B-movie short to warm the crowd up for Bambi? Not good. Trip to the bathroom. Dildo. Hope when you get back he won't be there.

In other words, sexual technique matters. More accurately, the freedom and confidence to use, invent and vary good technique will make the difference between the ride of your and his life and the need for a Valium. It's partly about the positions, and the switches you make in position. And it's partly about pace and rhythm knowing when to go in hard and slow and when to race for it. It's partly about that line between pleasure and pain and the knowledge that the two come together and bond in anal sex.

Rule number three: Actually, this is more of a question. How do you combine good technique and the need for a good, hard fuck with that loving feeling? Perhaps the answer is obvious: there is no real contradiction between the two; your mutual feelings are a part of that point when he starts to squeal, and vice-versa. Yet there's more to it than that. You and he need to know that the feeling is there. You need to re-express it, to open it out again between you, so you're confident it is there all the way through having sex.

You know things are going to get wild. Begin gently. Much foreplay then, when you enter him, this to the top, make sure that the feelings expressed in foreplay are still expressed now. Pause awhile once you're in him. Don't you become over-excited and muddle it that way. Pause, move slowly, re-group and maintain your own feelings. Tease yourself as much as him with the way you move. Reassure yourself as much as him that there is no contradiction between intimate personal feeling and great sex. Warm up. Then go for it!

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