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Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

Do gay men have a moral compass while in a relationship

The Gay Moral Compass

By Alex James

Have you ever reflected on the number of guys you’ve slept with? For some it might be easier than others. Personally, I’ve lost track of the faces over the years. Every man has his limits, whether it has to do with numbers, fetishes, open relationships, or partner sharing. Though most of us know where our comfort zone lies, today’s sex culture pressures us to always push the envelope, or else we’d be considered “boring” and “prudish.” My question is who really sets our limitations?

There’s nothing wrong with living on the edge of your comfort zone. In a way, it’s necessary for you to discover where the limits are in the first place. We’ll never know our boundaries if we don’t explore the perimeter of them, but we must do it at our own pace. And that’s easier said than done.

Our sexual moral compass is often rooted with an idea of self-respect. In the gay community especially, sex has become as common as breathing. Everywhere we look there’s a sexy poster, billboard, ad, or porn star waiting to be idolized. The subliminal message is that sexual exploration is key to gaining self-esteem and/or social acceptance. The truth of the matter is we all register sex differently. For some it may be an innocent release (all physical), while for others it has a deeper connection or even a memory (all emotional). Whenever we try and fight against what our nature and spiritual core is trying to tell us, that’s when we run into trouble.

I know it’s hard to believe, but some guys aren’t interested in having sex with dozens, even hundreds or thousands, of men in their life. Some might even not be interested in sex at all, and that’s fine too. Wherever you exist on the spectrum of experimentation can be found in your conscience. Nothing is worse than the feeling of self-betrayal, and we always recognize it when that happens. Our mind, body, and soul seem to be disconnected and unaligned, leading us spiraling down a topsy-turvy path.

Here’s my philosophy. When something doesn’t feel natural, it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong – just different. But when something feels invasive, damaging, or harmful to your wellbeing, this is when you need to investigate. I learned that the hard way.

Years ago I was seeing a man who, unbeknownst to me, was into kinky things. I had never tried it before so when he presented the idea to me, I was eager to learn. You never know your limits if you don’t explore, right? He enjoyed the power, and I craved submission. He liked to slap and lightly choke me from time to time. This didn’t feel natural to me, but I went with it anyway and soon found it to be kind of fun. It wasn’t until he took out the whips, slings and chains that my inner voice spoke to me. I had found my limit, and I knew it.

I was too scared to tell him so I went along with it anyway. The whole time I felt uncomfortable and it became obvious rather quickly how disconnected I was. He stopped in the middle to ask if I was okay. After I confessed that perhaps we took it a bit too far, he touched my face and whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me in the first place?” It was then I realized I was the one who put myself in the situation, not him.

Just because I wasn’t into the whips and chains didn’t mean it was bad. It simply wasn’t for me. There are plenty of guys willing to go further because sexual exploration, of course, exists on a wide spectrum for many different people. I was too afraid of getting rejected that I ignored my sexual moral compass to please another man. Has this become an unhealthy pattern within our community?

If there’s one person in the entire world you should be worrying about pleasing, it’s you. Our sexual moral compass can be found in the confines of our limitations. We know what turns us on, we know what we want, and we can dissect the good from the bad. It’s only when other people invade our mental space that we become knocked out of balance. When you block out peer pressure, you have enough wiggle room to explore on your own terms. That is the definition of freedom. Listen to your voice. You’re the one who makes the rules.


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