4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

No chemistry at first is not always a bad thing in gay relationships

Chemistry Between Men

By Alex James

The received wisdom is this: if you have to ask, ‘"Do we have chemistry?"’ the answer is probably no. No mental fireworks? No burning curiosity? No warm, buzzy feeling under the skin? Then it’s not going happen. Such is the conventional thinking.

Only that’'s not always the case.

It may be you’'re out of the habit of fancying people. Perhaps a part of you has given up, thinking you'’ll never find your perfect match. You may have practically trained yourself not to feel any arousal, because too often before it’s all come to nothing. You'’ve switched off the risk of being hurt. And now the right man is staring you – literally – in the face your emotional self is being slow on the uptake.

If you do find it difficult to open up emotionally with new people, you'’ll need to give yourself time to become more familiar and more at ease with the latest possibility. Don’t feel you have to leap into bed straight away. Indeed, if it’s a relationship you’'re after, having sex too soon will often be inappropriate.

Take things one at a time. Establish friendship. Allow yourself to think of him simply as that, a new friend. Gay friendships are, in any case, often tinged with romance. Don’t feel that it has to result in sex. If you order your body to want to perform, chances are it won'’t.

Once you’re relaxed, and don’t feel that everything hinges on making this man your partner, as if it’s now or never, you'’ll find you’'ve given yourself room to fantasise, to let your mind linger on his image and re-run the conversations you'’ve had. That’s the space your desires need to grow. If you are'n’t used to seeing someone, wanting him, and straight away getting him, if your sense of your sexuality has become quite private, you need to allow your desires to come out again, to become both active and attached to other people.

Spend time on your own rediscovering both your capacity for sensual pleasure and your belief in relationships. Relax, drink a glass of wine and play music. Let your mind wander in a hot, soapy bath. Read a love story or one of the coming out novels that first got you going, or watch a favourite romantic film. Put yourself in the mood for love and sex, and remind yourself the two work best together.

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