4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

Jealousy in a gay relationship

Jealous Boyfriend?

By Alex James

Jealousy is a very human thing. We've all been jealous at some point in our lives so we know exactly how it feels.

But sometimes a boyfriend can get just too jealous for his own good and things get out of hand.

Too much of anything is bound for destruction. Though you may want to ease his feelings, all you can really do is try and articulate them in a way you understand. That way you can get to the heart of the problem.

Here are a few reasons why your boyfriend might be jealous:

He’s Insecure About Your Devotion For Him

You might have proclaimed to him that he’s yours, but have you truly taken the time to let him know that you’re his? With so many opportunities to cheat in the gay community, it’s more important than ever to let your man know how you feel about him. Not just that, but he needs to know that you’re his for the keeping. Jealousy is a natural symptom for a man who is unsure about his lover’s commitment towards the relationship. Remind him every day.

He Feels Threatened

You both might be confident inside the relationship, but sometimes there are outside forces that try to intervene. If it’s another man, depending on how you react, your man will obviously get a little irritable. You can fix this in two ways: either you can cut ties with the outside force or you can be totally honest with your boyfriend and make it funny – “Can you believe he thinks he can get with me” or “Oh my gosh this guy is pathetic.” Try and decipher your boyfriend’s jealousy in this situation. Is he protective of you or is he protective of the relationship? If he’s protective of you, he’s probably overreacting and need stop be communicated with on a rational level; being protective of the relationship is a lot more healthy and can benefit you both.

Trust Issues That Were Left Unresolved

There are some things that can’t go unresolved. It’s natural for someone’s jealousy to be a defensive instinct after unresolved issues because, after all, he’s trying to preserve his wellbeing. It’s crucial to fix issues as the come. Never let a gut feeling, glare, look, or huffy attitude go unnoticed. It’ll all build up and will eventually become fuel for paranoia and assumptions.

Petty Games Are Sending The Wrong Signals

There always seems to be one person in the relationship that has an “upper hand,” or at least is constantly trying to get it. When there are two men in the relationship, it can turn into a nonstop game – it should never get to this point. So many guys feel like they need to keep their man on their toes to keep their interest. While it’s important to keep your personal limits, never should you willingly play weird games to try and challenge him. It’s only going to create resentment – we’re not in junior high anymore.

Hard to get and teasing him in front of strangers might be harmless to you, but in his mind he might be thinking “If he does this when I’m in the room, what is he doing when I’m not in the room?” Questions will pile up so high that you’ll eventually have no one to blame but yourself when your man gets jealous. Ease off the games.

He’s Insecure Within Himself

Some of the most attractive people are the most jealous. Jealousy has nothing to do with anything other than some kind of insecurity, either inside or with a past experience. Some guys might feel unworthy of the relationship. They might think they’re not attractive enough for you or not where they want to be in their lives as far as career. They might constantly be thinking “He’s going to leave me anytime because one day he’s going to wake up and realize I’m not good enough for him.” You have to step up to the plate and understand that sometimes he needs a bit of reminding why he’s such a great guy, however, you also need to understand that some guys are innately insecure and will never change. Is he worth the effort?

He’s Afraid of the Relationship Changing

When the relationship takes a turn into a new phase, it’s enough to throw any man off balance. We like to control our situations so when something slips from our hands, it’s easy to get a bit insecure about where things are going. Soon, when you cancel a dinner date or fail to show up at someone’s party or is too busy at work to go to the movies, he’s going to jump to conclusions. The relationship isn’t the “same” as it was when you first met, and that’s ok. He needs to understand that relationships travel in phases as you both grow into yourselves. It has nothing to do with a lack of devotion.

You Don’t Understand Each Other

You might be the closest couple on earth, but you’re still individual people. You might enjoy being the life of the party while he’d rather stay on the sidelines. That’s okay because he loves you for it, but that doesn’t mean he hast to truly understand it. Sometimes it takes a while for a man to “get” that you handle things differently. We all live in the realm of our own understanding, and when something doesn’t fit it we’re quick to think they’re “wrong.” Talk it through and let him know this is who you are and it’s how you’ve always been. Take it or leave it. If he can’t take it, perhaps it’s time to rethink the relationship.

Jealousy Has Become a Habit

I know plenty of people who’ve taken on the relationship habits of their parents. They showed love by arguing and nitpicking everything – underneath the playful letdowns, there was a clear theme of love. Unfortunately they’ve taken it with them to future relationships. Bad role models often create an awful pattern; not until they meet someone they’re willing to change for will they be strong enough to break it. It’s going to be tough, but it is possible to break a lifelong habit. This is the way he “thinks” all relationships should be because it’s how he was trained – be the one to convince him otherwise.

He Doesn’t Trust Himself, Therefore He Can’t Trust You

It’s so easy to cheat in the gay community. There is Grindr, ManHunt, Tinder, and everything else. Men are easily able to find sex at the drop of the hat, and he knows this because he’s probably been there. When you’ve been in the casual sex community it’s hard to forget how easy it was to find a hookup, which might stain your outlook whenever you find a man you want to emotionally connect with. Too much casual sex can desensitize, which is why it’s important to make your relationship have an emotional baseline. Let your sex mean something.

He’s Been Cheated On

Being cheated on can traumatize his entire view on how relationships work – the rules, treatment, and how to handle arguments. It’s hard to forgive the past when you’ve been burned so badly. He’s never going to be fully over it, but he can learn how to live with it if you help him. You are not his ex and have no intention of being. You don’t want to get hurt just as much as he doesn’t – make that clear. What’s important is the relationship now. Enter with a clean slate and be sure to let him wean out of his ex. If he’s still too hung up with the ghosts of his past, chances are he’s not ready for a relationship anyway.


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