4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

Finding The Real You In Bed

By Alex James

An obvious problem during gay sex and indeed in the relationship as a whole, is a feeling that you might be called to do something that you don't really feel is natural. So you're putting on a show, you're performing - and maybe it's not too much of a stretch to say you are maybe trying to be something you're not.

That's not to say that you can't work on this so that you can be yourself and feel easy while you're topping him or bottoming.

Do NOT forget the power of the mighty condom during imntercourse. If you have a big dick and you find one brand of condoms too tight, try using a different brand. A reasonably tight fit around the base of your penis should actually help to sustain an erection, while if you don't believe the rest of the condom can hold you, try filling one with water and see just how big it goes.

You also might find that using a cock ring helps you to stay hard before you penetrate. If it's just the thought or the look of the condom, get over it. If it's the way that putting a condom tend to anticipate in your mind the way you're about to have sex and "perform", let's deal with that now.

You're going to need to get comfortable with your partner. Of course you want to please him sexually, but you've got to trust him as well and be able to work out a relationship, to be honest with each other about your emotions, desires and sexual preferences. If you can't do that then this is a non-starter.

Try bringing more of your passive self into your love life. Does he know you like anal stimulation as well? Maybe he's not going to screw you, but you can still use sex toys while you're having sex. Maybe he can work your arse with a nice big dildo while he's giving you a blow-job. You might find it helps too to use a butt-plug while you're doing him, though you'll probably want quite a small toy for this at first and nothing too overwhelming.

On the subject of toys, take the pressure off yourself and think that, when you have been having anal sex a long while, and you've had enough, then you can withdraw and keep pleasuring him with sex toys - while you use a toy on yourself. Switch up the vibrations, inflate that plug, then lie back together and bring yourselves off with your hands. Note: as you do get more comfortable coming with your partner, you'll probably also find it much easier to come while you're inside him.

When you're having sex, try switching sex positions. If you've been using face-to-face sex positions, try banging one out doggy-style. You'll be able to go harder, so you'll increase your stimulation, and you might also find not having him look at you makes you feel less self-conscious and makes it easier for you to let go - try running a few of your favourite fantasies as you're doing him. You could also find the look of your cock sliding in and out of him also really cute!

And enjoy the feeling! Don't worry about goals to orgasm. Forget all that and really, actively concentrate on being in the moment and registering the physical sensation. Deliberately tune yourself into the physical feelings. Try varying them - slowing down, trying shallower thrusts, gyrating with your cock fully pressed into him. Experiment, explore. If you're very used to the feeling of orgasm being associated with the feeling through your hands - because of masturbation - then give your hands something to do. Caress his buttocks. Slap them if he likes this. Run your hands over his body - and over your own as well, including touching your penis. If you give yourself time really to tune in to your sense of the physicality of having sex this way, you'll probably find you orgasm more easily and feel more in control.

Relax, open up and realise you can only be who you genuinely are in a relationship. We hope your boyfriend likes that person, i.e. the real you.

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