4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

Pillow Talk

By Alex James

At times it can seem there's way too much silence in sex. It's almost as if we're afraid to give voice to what we feel and what we want. When you're flirting, when you're getting off, and until you lose every capacity to speak, keep the lines of communication open. Take time to talk.

It can feel odd at first. 'I really want you.' 'Put your hand on me and rub me.' 'I want you inside me.' 'You're so fabulous.' 'What do you most like doing? I want to do that with you.' Maybe it feels indelicate, a touch impolite, or too direct, too basic.

Sex isn't polite. Not in the dinner party sense of that word. It's not something to hide away in the mental closet, as if a part of us denies what we're doing even while we're enjoying it. Be open. 'This is what I want to do to you. I want you to do this to me.' You're not eating forbidden fruit. It's your body and your sexuality. It's exciting when your man is prepared to describe sex explicitly. Then it's clear there is no sense of guilt or secrecy. Who wants that? You're both doing a good thing. Celebrate that.

A word of caution. You might scare one or two guys off at first. Most guys are simply not used to this level of openness. Perhaps they're only just getting to know and be happy with their sexuality. But if they seem to be running away they're probably still thinking how confident you are. They're likely to want to hitch up with that confidence. It's something you have to give to them. It might be that, because of the way you talk, they'll open themselves up to you more than they ever have.

Great sex is about sharing lives, two people coming together to share themselves for however long. Talking is one way to do it.


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