4Men - Gay Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the gay relationship and bedroom scene

The Low Down on Bad Boys

By Alex James

I never understood why young gay men tend to continuously fall for the bad guy... because... they think they can change him.

Newsflash: If that’s one of the main reasons why you fell in love with him, BREAK IT OFF NOW.
If you want someone to tease you, take advantage of your kindness, and trick you into thinking all they want is love when really all they want is attention? Buy a f*cking cat!

There’s huge lessons to be taught on this topic. Too many of us are falling for the wrong men. Though we think we’re dating different kinds of gay guys, we actually are attracting the same kind of soul we’re so used to feeding from. Instead of worrying about saving him from himself, we ought to worry about saving ourselves from him.

Here are a few reasons why:
The “Thrill” is Short-Lived
Most of what attracts us to bad boys is the thrill of it all. They’re on the go all the time and rarely view us as permanent. For whatever reason, this makes him valuable in our eyes. He requires work to keep therefore he has more worth than other gay guys. We enjoy the chase because it becomes addicting, but the problem is he’s all about the chase too; the “chase” ends for both of you once you’re together because once you have each other, the chase is over. What happens then?

Most bad boys require the thrill of being chased, whether it’s you doing the chasing or not. They convince you that doing things out of your comfort zone aren’t a big deal (even though you’ve been there, done that already); they pull you in a stream of bad circumstances and they call it “adventure”; they might put you and your body in danger while making you feel guilty if you didn’t meet his expectations. To sum it all up, the thrill is exciting but it’s short-lived. A bad boy rarely wants to settle, but rather live in the moment. This is all good if you enter it knowing this, but just know you’ll be the one dealing with the baggage he leaves behind; not him.

Fulfilment Is Hard to Attain
Confidence is one of the sexiest things any men can have. It’s seducing, enticing, and completely makes anyone fall in love; but in 2014, confidence is easy to manipulate. Confident people are looked up to – this gives them status and power. Most of us are constantly trying to achieve this so we often grow close to the nearest person who meets the criteria. Once we’re in it, however, we realize rather quickly that “confidence” is, in fact, a socially created thing. In other words, there’s a difference between being comfortable within yourself and confident in the way you carry yourself.

Bad boys are usually lack mental and emotional security, which is why they try to seek out others to fill it for them. They’re not men yet, hence the word “boys.” It’s hard to be truly fulfilled with a person who has yet to do it himself. Fulfillment comes from being content with what you’re being given, and if all you’re being given are invitations to secure HIS confidence, you’re depriving YOURSELF of much needed fulfillment.

You’re Probably Sacrificing Family & Friends
Let’s face it, if you’re friends are truly looking out for you, they probably won’t be keen on letting you fool around with a man who does nothing but steer you in the wrong direction. There’s a difference between going against what they want and simply rebelling from what they want because it makes you feel more “in control.” The latter is stupid if you really think about it; it’s kind of like failing a math test as a form of protest – in the end, you’ll always be the one who suffers the most.

The need to rebel is only important to you and no one else. It’s up to you to decide whose love is real and genuine; it may be both but when push comes to shove, who really has your back? Let go of the urge of feeling important and start focusing on what (and who) makes you feel valuable inside.

During the Process of Trying to “Change” Him, You’re Betraying Yourself
The only person you can change is yourself; instead of trying to change his habits or turn his character into something good, you need to focus on your own first. Most bad boys don’t want to change anyway, and why should they? This fantasy that you’ll be the one who solves his problems is only in YOUR head. It’s time to let it go.

Think about all the times someone has tried to change you. How did you react? Chances are, you reacted either resentfully or with too much pride you wanted to enhance whatever it was that was “wrong” with you, i.e. rebel against it. No one reacts kindly to this sort of thing so in the long run all you’ll be fighting is yourself. If you were in fact the one to change him, he would have changed a long time ago.

They Make You Feel Wanted, But Make You Forget What YOU Really Want
Playing around with bad boys can be an interesting roller coaster ride. It’s totally thrilling, pulling you out of the space of “now” and pushing you towards unexpected paths, but in doing so you forget where it was you started and where it was you were going. In the end, the only destination you’ll reach is his. Not yours.

It’s sexy to know that a man wants you for you – That is called passion.
However... It’s even sexier to know that a man will follow you to achieve your dreams and whatever you want in life – that is called love, commitment, and dedication.
The former lasts a moment. The latter lasts forever.

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