4Women - Lesbian Relationships

Intimate and sometimes explicit advice and tips on the lesbian relationship and bedroom scene

Thoughts On Commitment

By Lou Lou

You've met a great woman and she's giving all the right signals. You think you’re both going in the same direction, but when you get down to talk about it, you realise that actually both of you aren't ready for commitment. It may seem this is the beginning of the end, but being honest with each other can actually lay foundations for a fantastic relationship in the future – whenever that might be.

There is an awful lot of pressure on lesbians and bisexual women to settle the minute they meet someone. After all, everyone wants to be in a relationship, don't they? Well, actually, no they don't. The only problem is, a lot of women aren't honest enough to admit this until it's too late. Looking at it objectively, being honest with a girl you really like is more likely to endear her to you than pretending you want something that you actually don't.

From the onset, you should explain that dating doesn't mean a relationship and you aren't automatically girlfriends because you've slept with each other a couple of times. If she is ultimately the right girl for you, she will understand, and most probably agree. Definitions are so important at this stage, because if you both set off from the same point, you'll stand a better chance of ending up at the same destination.

Lesbians are now much more independent and want different things from life, particularly from their straight counterparts. Whilst historically, lesbians are often the ones to shack up after two dates and get married a month later, it is clear that this can be a very damaging experience - women are not giving enough time to getting to know each other before taking the plunge, and consequently end up in relationships that aren't right for them and that they don't want in the first place.

Starting out on something with someone special is a daunting and scary prospect, but with mutual respect for each other’s life – and that includes careers, family, friends and social life – you will develop a stronger relationship on whatever level you both decide that should be. There's no point one of you planning mini-breaks to the bushveld, whilst the other is nervous about going for dinner!

The main thing to remember is that if this is going to be right for both of you, there is no point rushing it. You have all the time in the world if neither of you are going anywhere – so what's the point in rushing it? You'll only end up feeling pressured and react in a way that will make both of you feel uncomfortable, if not downright miserable. It's all too easy to get caught up in the romance of the moment, particularly when friends are egging you on, but take stock, breathe and analyse – even if only for a few minutes. You'll find that taking that time to think about what you really want will save an awful lot of unnecessary heartache in the future.

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