This article is intended for entertainment purposes only; its content should not be taken as practical advice. (Unless you are really adventurous)
Christmas is upon us, and hopefully you’ll be upon your partner in this time of giving. Whether you’re with somebody new or you’ve unwrapped that box a hundred times before the holidays, our raunchy Christmas idea are sure to become instant holiday favorites. We’ve made a list, and you’re welcome to check it twice. Whether you two are naughty, nice or a couple of depraved pervs, there’s a goodie in this sack for everyone.
This move centers around some classic teabagging, either before, during or after intercourse. So whenever you decide to do it, walk to the kitchen and frost your schwetty balls with leftover green and red frosting from the Christmas cookies to appeal to your partner’s sweet tooth and ensure extra-intense tongue action. Bonus points if you swirl some red frosting around your penis for a candy cane bonus.
Santa’s Little Helpers
Men, quit worrying about being ‘big’ enough and start to think small; try imitating elves and have sex on your knees. A little pocket rocket vibrator can provide the elfin magic. Your usual smooth bass bedroom voice will ruin the whole thing, so keep helium close by to take hits and talk dirty in a higher octave. It’s going to be a busy night on your part, but at least your partner can pretend he was with another guy while you maintain a size advantage in reality. If this position unleashes a previously unknown elf fetish, you’re jolly well screwed.
Not only is Christmas a great time for sex, it is also a time when family can be a little too close at all the wrong times. So this year, make the most of it by engaging in some exciting secret sex with your partner at a very unsuspecting time: Christmas dinner. The goal is for you and your partner to separately excuse yourselves in the middle of dinner, without arousing suspicion, then make your way up to an available bedroom for a quickie.
The Stocking Stuffer
This Christmas sex position combines stockings and sex in close quarters. Your partner will be in crotchless or strategically ripped underwear, and you’ll both zip into a sleeping bag together. From there, engage in any and all positions allowable by your physiques and your encased bedding. Closeness and friction will be the two factors you experience. After a while, you may get a whiff of hot cotton and/or singed hair. The decision to proceed will be yours; just remember the phrase ‘you would even say it glows’ CAN apply to more than Rudolph’s nose. Mutual ointment application is a popular form of after-play for this one.
Down the Chimney with Care
With all the Christmas songs and stories involving chimneys, no Christmas sex position portfolio would be complete without one involving your partner’s ash pipe. Firstly, you’ll need to sport a St. Nick’s outfit, and then, with him lying on his neck facing you, you give him an anal pile driver. Besides all the other sensations going on, the blood will be rushing to his head — it’s not unheard of for the drivee to pass out.
Milk & Candy Cane
Santa Claus must get royally pissed off by the end of his run. Billions of houses, and he only gets milk and cookies for his trouble — some treat. All that lactose and gluten probably has him spray-painting the porcelain well into the new year. We added a twist and offers Santa Candy cane instead of cookies. For you and your partner, a dose of “Milk & Candy Cane” can be a sweet, little snack. It’s so simple, yet delicious: Just lap away at his titties for milk while you engage his candy cane with your hands.
This one involves a Santa mask and suit, and a blindfold. Set up the encounter as your usual mystery seduction by tying up and blindfolding your boyfriend. Then, dress up in your Santa get up and get down to business. Once everything is done, take off his blindfold and let him see who his secret Santa really is.
Trim the Tree
Part of the Christmas tradition is a small degree of deforestation, as pines and firs are cut and cleared. What better time to cut and clear the fur forest of you and your partner? If you trust each other — really, really trust each other — try doing the job for each other. If there was ever a time to remind him how sensitive that skin is, this is it — your life is in his hands. When you’re both free of debris, you’ll find oral fixations renewed and enhanced — without the obligatory throat clearing and teeth-picking afterward.
Cheeks & Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Fireplaces are always portrayed as romantic, but don’t just settle for a cuddle and staring at the flames — there’s your own yule log to attend to. While your partner is on the floor on his stomach close to the fire, have him press his cheeks together while you thrust your penis between them. Just establish a safe word to clarify between orgasms and flying cinders. For bonus points, try to douse the fire when you climax.
After working your way through our festive season positions list you’ll be ready for a long restful nap. Just do yourself and your partner a favor and remember to wrap your present before the gift-giving.