It can be difficult to share sexual fantasies with a partner. Perhaps, you fear, he’ll think your tastes are weird or ‘dirty’, or that he isn’t living up to your ideals. You like that ‘barely legal’, ‘builder’s lad’ twink on the video; his, your partner’s, balls have long since dropped, he doesn’t have a penchant for manual labour, and as for that body hair… So off he goes. He just didn’t match up – so we fear he’ll be left thinking.
However, if you both accept fantasies are just that, fantasies, then bringing them within your sex life can help enrich it.
It’s important to talk about fantasies within a warm, intimate and non-threatening environment. Plenty of touch and kissing may be required. You will probably need explicitly to say that they are (just?) fantasies. (Begin: ‘I have a fantasy about…’ Then kiss after you’ve said it.) Also, ask your partner to tell you some of his, and tell him to be honest! Reassure him you won’t judge him for telling you – and then be sure not to.
This is broaching the question. What you can then do is look for ways of exploring your fantasies during sex. It might only be a case of telling each other stories and sharing ideas prior to sex, or it might involve role-play, including using costumes and props.
The butch professions prove eternally popular – the fireman rescuing one faint from smoke, the policemen conducting a stern interrogation – while a foray into the depths of the criminal underworld seems to tie in with many men’s ideas of what it is to be gay. And, of course, there’s the priest and the altar boy, the naughty schoolboy, the somewhat over-inquisitive doctor, the peasant and the lord of the manor, the nurse, the slave…
But fantasies don’t only revolve around games played with power roles. There might be a place you’ve always wanted to make love in – so create a sense of that place in your home, or go there – or is there a piece of music, not necessarily romantic, to which you’ve always wanted to synchronise sex? (Ride of the Valkyries, anyone?) Many aspects of possible sex-play, from how you touch to what you slather your bodies with, may hitherto to you have been fantasies.
Catering to a partner’s tastes may feel like a favour, but it’s important that fantasies are shared, that each takes ownership of the other’s. That way, they become not something that one of you secretly, kinkily likes to indulge in, but rather an integral, informing part of a relationship.