Lets face it, I do not like things NOT going my way. When something doesn’t go my way, not only do I get angry but I create a phase of denial: It’s not really over, just postponed; this is only a challenge; it’s not the end because I’m going to keep fighting for it. Many of these things might work in business or short-term projects, but when it comes to love the damage of such denial is self-inflicting.
I’m not going to lie to you, dating in the gay community is a bitch. We can’t get pregnant so it’s not like our uterus is ticking down the lost time to start a family, the culture in general worships youth so settling becomes more procrastinated, and hookup apps make finding a genuine connection the more harder. When we lose someone we finally connect with, it’s easy for us to think we lost our only chance. Trust me, you didn’t!
Getting over your ex begins with one easy word: acceptance.
Getting passed the denial phase is step one towards weaning yourself out of it. I understand you may not want to accept the fact that it’s over, you might still have hope, you might still think it’ll work out in the end, but believe me when I say delusions can be deceiving. Their whole purpose is to make you feel better by giving you false hope. What you need is real hope. There is always an incident that happens which should act as a realization. Let that be an epiphany for you, otherwise you’ll end up buried beneath your own self-pity.
There’s a reason why wars have been raged, songs have been written, and books and movies have been created about broken hearts. It’s a feeling only people who’ve experienced it understand – completely indescribable. In a way, it’s the precipice (the peak) of an incredible decision. You’re still standing but in a moment’s notice, you may fall deep into a pit of despair. You’re at your most vulnerable and unless you find a way to come back to solid ground, you’ll be stuck in limbo forever. Never let it get to that point.
The first thing you ought to do is stop blaming yourself (this is definitely what you’re doing, otherwise you wouldn’t feel as bad). When a relationship ends, our natural instinct is to peel away the layers and dissect every little detail. Most likely, our brains only allow us to see one person at fault: US. Stop looking at the relationship as a whole and start focusing on the breakup in general. There’s a reason why it didn’t work out and it most likely has nothing to do with you or him, but rather the incompatibility the relationship had from the beginning.
If you were meant to be together, you’d still be together. I know that’s hard to hear.
The pain is only short term. You aren’t the only person who has been through a breakup and you’re definitely not the last. Trust me, it’s not going to hurt this much forever. But like any wound, you have to drizzle it with ointment, medicine, balm; if you don’t, the wound will stay open, risking the possibility of infection and even more pain. The balm in this case is acceptance, self-compassion, love, and time. The last one is the most important of .
Stop punishing yourself for something that didn’t work out the way you saw it. Doing that would be like blaming yourself because the shoes you really wanted in the store didn’t fit. It’s not your fault and trust me, they’ll have plenty more in your size – ones more comfortable, more movable, breathable, and made for you. It’s the same with men. To you, everything might seem perfect but you’ll never know until you’ve invested a great amount of time into them. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. But one thing is for sure: the experience as a whole will one day become your biggest lesson.
Mourning the loss of a dream is never easy; you have to realize you might never be 100% over it, and that’s okay. You can’t hate him for not being the one, even though you wanted him desperately to be. Right now, the most important thing is to get your mind off of him by ridding yourself of any and opportunities. Get rid of his stuff, block yourself from mutual friends for a while, change your attitude from one of self-blame to self-compassion, stop stalking him on social media and start focusing on throwing yourself out there again. It’s going to take time, but believe me when I say that he was never your second half. He was only a mirror that reflected your light. Just because the mirror is gone doesn’t mean your light has vanished. Find it again, and you’ll radiate brighter than you ever have before because now you know how strong it is.