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Straight In A Gay Bar

Straight In A Gay Bar

So awhile ago I went to a gay bar for the first time. They say there’s a first time for everything and I was so nervous that I blurted it out on Facebook (using my Blackberry) where someone from Queerlife saw my status update and nagged me for my story.I was probably in the minority of people experiencing any kind of first time of any sort which involved that bar. Anyway, no I’m not gay. Neither were a lot of the other people there. There were several of non homo’s there which kind of puzzled me a little. To be honest it seems kind of like the straight people are intruding on the hallowed grounds of the legit queers. The gays go to the gay bar to be with people like them and to get away from us breeders. But there is no safe haven, there is no sanctuary from the heterosexuals. (Insert evil laugh). I suppose hetero’s have reasons to like it there too. It turns out if you play Kylie Minogue and remix Donna Summer to what sounds something like Moby, you’re gonna have to board up the doors to keep the hetero’s out too!

Live and learn. So anyway the story begins with me out bar hopping with a friends. I’m with my friend, his girlfriend, and her cute friend who was single … I think, although that doesn’t stop me anymore. We are at one bar and everyone is bored except me, and they start looking like they want to wrap things up and head home. I have other plans, I am trying to score with the cute friend, but I just met her an hour ago and if there is any chance of me closing this deal I need more time. I try and keep the party bubble floating by suggesting we go somewhere else. The cute friend says her brother(gay) is at a gay bar nearby. If we go there it might be fun and then she could give her brother a ride home. I think to myself, its friday night, I just assume the queers ride each other home, but hey, what do I know?

So I support the gay bar suggestion and off we go. Just to clarify, I totally support peoples freedom to be whatever they want. I find it increasingly ridiculous that people think homosexuality is something they are being generous by tolerating, as if the homos need to give a shit that halfwits think their choices need to be approved of. A society that wants to oppress a consenting adult’s freedoms to do disgusting things to another consenting adult can go fuck itself. I wouldn’t let society tell me what to do, why would I think for a second that it should boss around the queers? Other peoples sexual orientation and appetites are none of my business, not to mention super boring. We all deserve all the same rights and dignity and respect and all that shit, etc, and so on.

If you think a gay bar is gross because that’s where gay people hook up I got news for you, gays also hook up at the same clubs that we all do. That’s right, while you’re at the club pretending you like dancing to Usher to impress some girl you just met, who probably gave you a fake name, and will probably become instantly pregnant just because of your bad luck, on the other side of the bar using cues you would never understand two men are probably making their own after the bar plans. And then its peanut butter jam time! Oh no!

On the topic of sexual orientation, I never give much thought to my own sexual orientation. Its not like I am secure that I am manly, I’m very close to becoming a metrosexual. But the fact is, I spend my every waking second lying and scheming to sneak my way into the panties of every girl breathing. Especially lately, let me tell you, its been a total shit show. Anyway, I’m getting off track. There probably isn’t that much for me to say about it really, either you want to and love to lead the cock chugging lifestyle of the gay faggo, or you don’t. Is it genetic? Who gives a fuck.

Anyway back to the story, the cute girl wants to go to the gay bar and I could use the extra time. Time will help her to use this incredible opportunity to get to know me, Mr. Wonderful. And I’m thinking, what place gets a girl thinking that men really know how to please a woman sexually better than a gay bar!

So there we are at the gay bar, we’re dancing and its all fun, etc. At one point I have to go to the bathroom, and as I find my way there I have no idea what to expect. My mind flips through various unnerving hypothetical floor plans, showers in the middle of the room, mirrors above the urinals, no doors on the stalls, blacklights and disco balls, pads on the floor for kneeling everywhere. Turns out none of that stuff was there, just a crowded dirty bathroom. And a guy passed out in one of the stalls. He is lying flat on the gross floor, his legs are sticking way out from under the stall partition walls. Judging by the length that his legs are stretching out through the puddles on the floor he must be 6 foot 5.

That’s a tough night for a guy, passed out on the bathroom floor of a gay bar. Tough night.

So then it’s back to the dancing. We’re dancing, its fun, but these two tall muscled homo’s keep kind of crowding in between me and my friends. They are really tall too, both of them are well over 6 feet. Why are all these gays all so tall? What have these guys been eating?… Don’t answer that. The big guys keep crowding in between me and the cute girl, which is getting on my nerves. I think they were trying to isolate me from the herd or something, maybe I’m flattering myself, who knows.

Bottom line: a couple of 6 foot 4 gay monkeywrenches are messing up my plan, a plan which is relying on increasing amounts of clever improvisation as it is, and the time is getting really late. Last call already happened and the last song of the night is right around the corner. The beefy cocksuckers move in between me and the girl once again. I am unhappy with this.

Then something magical happens. The song changes and suddenly these two lesbians who were dancing beside me start to kiss right in front of me. If my knowledge of lesbian stereotypes is correct then I would say one was the femme and the other was kind of the jock I guess, but in truth the jock one just looked hot and sporty. And, they were both young and hot. Seeing them make out really lifted my spirits.

You probably think it is obvious, and kind of assinine for me to get turned on by two women kissing, and I admit it is a cliche. Its kind of banal for a man to say he likes to see women together. I pride myself on not being another obvious clone who only goes along with what is popular, especially what is considered sexy. And as far as porn goes I find nothing less interesting than girl girl. Its boring. But it turns out in real life in front of my eyes I like to see hot girls get dirty.

Now, I have also noticed this bi-curious thing is becoming kind of vogue with the bigger sluts I know, and I find that a little sad actually. Maybe you’ve noticed it too, it seems like bi-sexuality is like trendy right now. I hope this is for a better reason than just because these neurotic girls are acting bisexual because they don’t want to be thought of as sexually unadventurous, or something equally ludicrous. I only hope all this experimentation isn’t being done to impress someone else, cause that is just sad.

Now then, as for the two lesbians that were kissing on the dance floor, they definitely weren’t experimenting. Whenever and wherever that experiment happened, it was a total success. That experiment came back 100% for those girls.

Which leads me to wondering sometimes if at some point in my life a lesbian will try experimenting on the old meat pole again with me. I thought it was going to happen once, but I kind of doubt it really would have gone all the way.

Which leads me to this, I don’t think you can change who you are. Little tests will spring up to highlight for you who that person is, which is great, sure, its fun. And whoever you are, sure you may not be all that consistent, and you probably know way better what you don’t want than what you do want, fact is, what you’re attracted to is beyond your own strength to control. Sucks, but its true. We all have a type.

And if you happen to be a woman who likes to stomp on men’s hearts, I can’t wait to meet you too.