To be fair… Sometimes it seems like the world has declared open season on men. Everywhere you look, from sitcoms to commercials, bungling, inept men, who look as if they’d be doing the world a favour if they died and were removed from the gene pool, struggle to wash dishes or do a load of laundry. And though we hate this state of affairs as much as the next man, there are some masculine behaviors that get on our nerves and deserve to be called out.
If you or anyone you know does any of the following things, please, for the sake of the rest of us, stop. Being inconsiderate doesn’t make you “alpha” any more than putting on a tuxedo makes you a gentleman, and, gay or not, your friendships — not to mention your love life — will suffer if you continue to define manhood in these destructive ways.
Here are 10 things guys tend to do that piss other guys off.
1. Everyone has had this experience. You’re sitting at a bar having a drink with friends or watching the game when a hotty walks in. Maybe he’s the cute waiter just trying to do his job, or maybe he’s a friend or even your boyfriend. Doesn’t matter, because the second he enters the picture some dudes transform like a werewolf before a full moon. All of a sudden your buddy, who five minutes before was calmly talking about the Blue Bulls’ prospects this season or geeking out about the upcoming Playstation 4 release — is flexing his muscles, not-so-casually flashing his wallet or name-dropping every celebrity he’s ever been within 500 feet of. Most of the time, his attempts at being alpha are amusing or embarrassing, but when the boy in question is someone you know and care about, they can make you want to slap some sense into him. And you’d be doing him a favour.
2. We all know the next type: He’s happy to lean on you when he’s single, complaining about his troubles with women and listening to your advice, but the second he settles down he may as well be doing time for all the chance you’ll have of seeing him regularly. And hey, I get it. We’ve all been there. The thrill of a new romance, the joy of having sex after a dry spell — how can the boys compete with that? Trouble is, your guy friends are important. Not only will they be there for you when the relationship falls through, but they’ll provide much-needed advice all along the way. And if your new boyfriend isn’t on board with that, that’s a major dating red flag.
3. By the time the average man reaches adulthood, he’s had his fair share of awkward conversations. He’s probably had to listen to his parents discuss the ins and outs of condom use, had at least one of his exes’ fathers give him a stern talking-to about “respecting my son” and had enough failed approaches in bars and coffee shops to fuel a lifetime of embarrassing stories. So, whatever you do, don’t add to the awkwardness by striking up a one-on-one conversation with a man at a urinal. As a rule, time spent in the bathroom is sacred and noise levels should be kept to a minimum. Oh, and for the love of God, don’t choose the urinal right next to someone if it can be avoided — that’s just basic manners. (Unless you are cruising of course, thats different and conversation usually don’t come into play then)
4. Everyone is a master at at least one thing — the problem is they’re always going to be sure to let you know it. Serving some local wine to your buddies? Mr. Know-It-All will complain about the acidity or the carbonation levels. Make the mistake of serving wine to your friend who worked as a sommelier one summer 10 years ago? You’ll hear about the aroma or the slightly aggressive aftertaste (if he uses the word “bouquet,” consider finding a new friend). When you encounter such a friend, promptly remove the wine glass from his hand and invite him to try the latest brand of municipal tap water.
5. If you’re serious about fitness, your gym time is sacred to you. You budget so many hours each week to get in, do your thing and get out. For some people, it’s a way to lose weight. For others, a way to blow off some steam and de-stress. But whatever you’re doing there, you don’t want to be held back by someone else’s poor gym etiquette.
Here are some quick and easy rules that you should memorize and never violate, lest the fitness gods smite you with poor gains and joint pain.
i) Thou shalt not do curls in the squat rack.
ii) Replace your free weights.
iii) Wipe your sweat off all equipment.
Was that so hard?
6. We are men, and picking on one another good-naturedly comes with the territory. Gained a little weight recently? Your friends will let you know. Can’t throw a spiral to save your life? That’s probably worked into your nickname somehow. Losing your hair? At least one person has bent your head over and pretended to use it as a mirror. But there’s a fine line between friendly ribbing and destroying a guy’s self-esteem. Did he just get a divorce or lose a parent? Maybe his dog died or his boyfriend cheated on him? There’s a time to joke and a time to shut up, and being a good friend means always knowing the difference.
7. Any guy who’s had a boyfriend, and especially those lucky enough to land the head-turningly beautiful kind, have had the experience of catching another man flirting with their man. Hell, if you’re as daring as you should be, you’ve probably been in the opposite position and been interrupted in the middle of your pitch by the returning boyfriend. No big deal. If you’re the boyfriend, be flattered that another man shares your good taste. If you’re the other guy, bow out graciously and compliment said boyfriend. Do not — I repeat, do not! — continue to flirt with the boy in front of the boyfriend. All you’re doing is making a fool out of yourself and provoking a fight that, win or lose, you deserved. Show some class.
And, needless to say, it is forbidden to flirt with a friend’s boyfriend, no matter how innocently.
8. Bad enough that you’re a cheater — that you don’t have the balls to end a relationship and spare someone’s feelings — but don’t make the mistake of bragging about it and putting other people into the awkward position of either calling you on your misdeeds or nodding along in feigned agreement.
9. If your way of bonding with a crowd of new men for the first time is telling a racist, sexist or religious joke, you need to re-evaluate both your sense of humour and your personality. Instead of putting down an entire group of people and making everyone around you uncomfortable, try keeping your mouth shut — no one ever got in trouble for what they didn’t say. Or, if you need to put down someone to get a laugh out of people, put yourself down instead.
10. Few moves define “douchebag” quite like pulling up to a robot, on a Harley or in an imitation sports car, and revving your engine for the world to hear. Bonus points if you do it at night or if you belong to a “gang” who get together and amplify the noise. There’s a special circle in hell reserved for egomaniacs like that, so self-involved that they can’t fathom — or simply don’t care — that not everyone cares how much horsepower their car has, or how much noise it can make.