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The Things Straight People Say

But why do gay people have to go on about it so much?
People say that so rationally, so calmly that it almost seems reasonable to me too. And then I think. I think about pink triangles and black ones in concentration camps and Michael Causer and Matthew Shepherd and the two murdered Soweto lesbians and all the victims we’ll never even hear about. That’s why – that’s it. The rest of us cannot shut up until those people are safe, until kids aren’t getting bullied for it in schools, until lesbians aren’t getting raped for it in Africa. And so on and on and on ad nauseam, ad infinitum. We have a responsibility to use our voices for those who have no voice.

Why does sexuality even need to be an issue?
For the same reasons as above, because it really would be far preferable if nobody’s sexuality was ever an issue at all. It’s just that heterosexuals have never had theirs litigated against and killed for, so they wish the rest of us deviants would get off the streets, get out of our tutus and just shut the funk up. I wish we could too. Notice I said could, not would – there’s a very clear distinction.

Why doesn’t anyone ask me how it felt to come out as straight?
Uh, OK – how did it feel? What’s that? No resistance to it at all, you say? No fear? No misguided shame? Self loathing? Family rejections? Job losses? Wow – that must be nice. Feel free to go and start a support group.

What’s with the outrageous drag queens?
Get to know some, every story is different, but there’s one thing to remember – those brave ladies in dresses were at the forefront of the Stonewall Riots and we owe them a lot. As a community they probably take far more shit than any of the rest of us have to and so they’re the very visible figurehead at the front of the ship, baby. So don’t talk bad to me about drag queens – and while you’re calling them outrageous, kindly cast your eyes upon the lunatic catwalks of Paris and then shhh.

(No heterosexuals were harmed in the writing of this column and in fact some of my best friends are straight)