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Trawling The Net For A Bang

Cruising for a hookup on the internet is not as easy as it used to be because – believe me – you will reach a stage where the thought of filling out endless open-ended questions on dating sites to find your ‘perfect match’ will appear to be a bit pointless.

The most well-written, witty and charming profile may have the potential to land you an inbox more stuffed than a christmas turkey, but let’s face it, what’s the first thing you look at when you open a new profile? No, not your intentionally obscure, favourite music choices to make you appear cool, nor the fact you’ve seen Titanic seventeen times BUT we click straight on the photos tab. Pick a wrong selection of photographs and any potential suitors will hit the ‘next’ button before they’ve had a chance to read your well planned, yet still leaving an element of mystery, profile.

So, how do you pick that photo that will bring all the boys to the yard with a few spare milkshakes to impress your Mum too? Well, according to a recent survey I conducted among my (more socially active) friends at the local club recently, a picture where you ‘don’t smile’ and ‘don’t make eye contact’ should have the guy slut dropping at just the thought of a potential date. Also, a shirtless image can work wonders, and is probably a must: ‘If you’re a guy with a nice body, it’s actually better to take off your shirt than to leave it on’. Unless you’re Lance Weyer – cause everyone’s seen his fabulous bod already. If you’re slightly camera shy and prefer to be covered up, then dress like you normally would. Guys who are dressed to the nines fare less well than those who wear their normal day to day outfits. So keep the bow ties for weddings, bar mitzvahs and Doctor Who geek evening.

Everyone’s main piece of advice was is to choose a photo that actually LOOKS like you. Yes ok, so we only ever put up photos where we look decent, and we de-tag anything that makes us look remotely unattractive or pathetic to the outside eye, but picking a photo from ‘back in the day’ when you were 3 kilo’s lighter and actually had cheek bones isn’t fair if you now appear totally different. (I’ve never had cheek bones, so this doesn’t actually apply to me -lol).

By using a picture on Grindr that you think looks more attractive and inviting to prospective partners, (did I say partners? I mean 69’ers), you could actually be making things worse for yourself, instead of being truthful and uploading a recent image.

Why? Well… Here’s on of my true life horror stories:
A few years ago, after talking to somebody on Twitter for a good few months I decided to take the plunge and meet up. His avatar looked cute, and he showed signs of a good fringe and a firm chin so I was sold. We’d spoken on the phone, but his photos on Facebook were mysteriously lacking. I brushed this aside, headed to meet him and got the complete shock of my life. He was less hunk more Hunchback of Notre-Dame. No offense to Quasimodo, but the guy couldn’t have looked less like his picture than if he’d drawn a self-portrait on Microsoft Paint using his tongue. He was a total Picasso; the closer I got to them, the more mental, unhinged and slightly wonky he looked.

I felt cheated. I even remembered asking him, before we met, if people said he looked the same in real life as he does in his pictures and he told me they did. Surely it would have been better to be more upfront from the start by using a picture that was an accurate representation rather than get me to travel over a 100 kilometres in a taxi only to be completely disappointed?

I can hear people saying, ‘don’t be so judgmental’ and ‘it’s not all about looks, it’s about personality’. Yeah well, to those people I say: look at the success rate of Blind Dates. You can pretend you’re all high and mighty, but looks count. As do first impressions. Needless to say, I soon made my excuses and left.

Another friendly tip from my all knowing and oh so socially active friends at the club was… Also, while we’re at it, Don’t post a topless picture on Grindr and then say you’re there for ‘chats’ only. Who are you f**ing kidding? We KNOW the kind of chats you want usually ends up with people sleeping over – in your mouth.

So the moral of the story is, when you get snap happy with the camera, make sure you’re taking pictures that show the real you. Its the only way you will find real love.