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Underwear Blues

Underwear Blues

The style and state of your underwear certainly says quite a lot about you. But what does that hookup you found on the internet think of what you wear to showcase your family jewels?

Old-School Boxers
At some point in your school career, your angsty, teenage self swapped those boyhood briefs for boxers and never looked back. Sure, some Looney Tunes or sports teams helped shroud more of you during the daily tragedy of stripping down for sixth period gym. But nowadays, those shorts are just excess baggage to lug around under your suit pants and slim-fit jeans. While we would have hoped you found that annoying (if not totally uncomfortable), it’s downright aggravating that you’re still protecting your pouch when the only thing the boys really want is to see what you’re packing.

Slim-Fit Boxers
This is the trimmed-down, diet version of the original. It’s less bunchy, not as long, and far more comfortable (no cramming or jamming required here). The more grown-up cut means you usually won’t find kids’ prints here — just solids, subtle stripes and the occasional polka dot. In short, this is a boxer for men. And when you wear them, the boys will treat you like one.

Boxer Briefs
Equal portions boxer and brief combine to make this curious hybrid. And while we’re normally not the two-for type, this undie option has its merits. If your ego is so fragile that the mere thought of a brief sacrifices your masculinity, the boxer half has you covered. If you hate having to wade through a sea of fabric before you even put on your pants, well, that’s what the brief part is all about. As long as they aren’t stretched out and swarming with holes, guys dig ‘em.

Tighty Whities
Sure, the name gives this brief a bad rap. But the truth is nothing comes close to the comfort and coolness of clean, crisp tighty whities. Update your assortment every six months or so by tossing worn ones in the trash. You should also be wearing styles with a seamless pouch — not the traditional type with that weird wiener hole. They’ll ultimately display your jewels more prominently. And what guy wouldn’t want that? There’s no shame in amplifying your endowment, because no matter what anyone says, size matters.

Coloured Briefs
Let’s face it: Even for the most meticulous among us, keeping white briefs clean is a tough task. That’s where its coloured counterpart comes into play. Black, gray and navy are go-to tints. But if you’re a guy who likes to live life on the edge, red, green and purple are solid selections, too — all the better when a conservative suit is peeled off to reveal something spicier than the usual boring brief.

Are you on a Brazilian beach? Are you a stripper? Do you like having floss wedged in your ass? Point being, the classic banana hammock is never acceptable — even if you’re strutting on the sands of Ipanema or go by the alias Jack Hammer. A thong says that you put thought into things, but you’re so off target (and possibly vain) that the result is worse than mindlessly grabbing the last semi-clean pair of baggy boxers from the hamper. Any sane hookup will agree.

Athletic Underwear
If you’re playing the field (literally), there’s good reason to guard your goods. A fastball or flying kick could send you to the hospital and completely quash your chances of donating sperm. Other than that, there’s no clear cause for stuffing your junk in jock. So, if you choose to wear one when you’re out and about, be prepared to answer some questions when you get home.